I’m Okay!

A phrase I've uttered more times in 2020 than I care to admit but have grown used to saying so as not to inconvenience the person on the other end of the question.

In regards to my job loss, I'm okay. Deep down early on I was not. But being okay is what I know best. I'm the definition of functionality. Always working to make things better. Even when I just can't.

Then my world was rocked to its core, my family suffered a loss so great, our beloved Grandmother.

The week my Grandma made her final transition, I was just okay. There was too much to do, and still is, so okay was the best I could offer. I worked on the energy around me, being there for my Mom, basically moving in for days at a time, functioning.

On the morning of her memorial, I cried so hard and loud that I woke my husband up. I felt every single tear leave my body, my breathing stifled as my grief overpowered my chest which felt like it was collapsing. Twenty minutes and I was done. I was up, dressed, prepared to function. I heard a gentle voice telling me "Rocky, crying doesn’t change things, or solves nothing." Since that day, my grief comes in weird, small waves.

A Smell, Elizabeth Taylor’s Passion haunts me at least once a week, and I’m certain there isn’t a single bottle in my home, but her scent, that was her scent.

I'm okay.

A Song, Donny Hathaway's "You've Got A Friend"

you just call out my name

and you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again.....

But never again will I see her in earthly form.

I'm okay.

Her spirit lives on, she’s at peace, a peace she deserved. We are forever connected, I hear her and can feel her gentle touch. I’m okay.

The thing about okay is that it can be used to express a range of emotions and sometimes the person using it can find no other word. But every time I say it, I hear my Nana saying in her sweet southern drawl "JUST OKAY? God woke you up, didn’t he? Then you’re more than just okay.” I’m trying Nana, but for now okay is the best I can offer, and that too is okay.