Eight years ago I walked out of a firm I’d given my all. I was working through holidays, vacations, a lost pregnancy, the death of loved ones, birth, anxiety attacks, and more. I walked out of those doors texting the Black traders “There's one less Black Woman on Wall Street today. Meet me at the bar.” Eight years ago, as my youngest was entering his terrible twos, a coward of a man hid behind his racist and sexist views and released me from my contract. And while I was relieved, as my health had taken a turn, I was also hurt. I had given much and received nothing in return. Not even the protection deemed necessary by law or the HR program I was forced to sit through every year. DEI before the catchy name.

I vowed to sue, and I did. They settled. Companies that are publicly traded don’t want to have their fake images of #Bettertogether smeared by facts. I vowed that if I ever saw that cheap suit-wearing, muffle-mouthed coward again he would feel my wrath. That was eight years ago.

Two weeks ago, a long-time friend pulled me into a conference room to tell me his boss had hired someone I might be familiar with. I was excited for my friend as he’s been carrying his team for a while, and then he said the name. My heart stopped beating, the color left my face and I asked him to repeat it again, He did.

At that moment I reacted, DO YOU KNOW HE ACTIVELY WORKED TO FIRE BLACK PEOPLE AND POC? He assured me he did not.

I saw the shock in his eyes. I felt my skin burning. RAGE. The fire in my eyes, the sharpness of my tongue, and the distress, all unfurled in the next few moments as I made my way home.

I felt unprotected again. What did I do with this information? These feelings weren’t supposed to reappear, I’ve done the damn work. I quickly scanned my “ toolbox “ for techniques, choosing a loud gut-wrenching scream. I spent the next two days triggered, unprotected, and downright blue as my Nana used to say. In my one on one with my manager I relayed the unsafe feelings through a stream of tears while gasping for breaths of air. He reminded me that I was in a position of power and a proven value at the firm, (revealing the CEO had received a letter from several clients about me) then threatened to fly in from London because “K I have never seen you distraught.” then he gave me the rest of the day off. I lay in my bed for hours replaying those moments from eight years ago over and over. The harassment when my Dr. denied me clearance to travel after a fall, through my maternity leave, the scare tactics and violent way of speaking to me (which almost got me fired because I told him I’d drag him across the desk if he ever raised his voice at me again). It played like a horror movie. And then it just stopped. I just stopped.

I went to my altar, pulled three cards, took a long bath, twisted my hair, and draped myself in white. I repeated this all weekend. Freedom from the past was left in those baths and replaced by clear thoughts, and paths. I was ready to face him on Monday. That morning I was guided not to take my hair down, and cover it, so I did. As I made my way through Penn I rehearsed what I would say if need be. And just then I saw him, and heard a soft whisper “ That person is not real to you.” and that was it. Even as he tried to speak to me multiple times I just continued on with my day.

Some might call this anti-climatic, but it's not. Eight years ago, I was miserable, broken, and doubting myself every moment of the day however, today face to face with the very person that brought me to that place I stood healed. Full and finally understanding my individual power and standing strong in it.

*whispers* He’s still a muffled-mouthed, cheap suit wearing idiot who knows nothing about finance but that’s between me and my God. :P